Prevention

Let's talk about preventing sexually abusive behaviors.

Prevention of sexual abuse usually focuses on protecting people so they do not become victims of sexual abuse. I have spent many hours in schools, meetings, and support groups talking with people of all ages on how to protect themselves and what to do if something happens. This is a very important topic and there is a lot of information available, but it puts the responsibility on the victim. In order to stop abuse, we need to focus on where it starts- the development of sexually abusive behaviors.

Parents, professionals, and other concerned people can work towards prevention. It's going to take a lot of work but there are steps we can take.

One of the main protective factors that prevents people from being sexually abusive is emotional expressiveness. This is their ability to talk about and show their feelings and use coping skills when needed. This is also their ability to understand other people's feelings. In order to prevent sexually abusive behaviors, we need to encourage and help develop emotional expressiveness in children, especially boys. Boys are taught by society and the media to be strong and "manly" and not to cry or show emotion. Along with other things they are taught, this puts them at risk for developing sexually abusive behaviors.

Both at home and at school, adults need to help children learn and practice social skills so that they can control their actions, take responsibility for their actions, and express their feelings. Make sure that you recognize positive behavior that you want them to repeat. When children act in a way that is harmful or against the rules, remember to keep calm and have a balanced reaction. This models for them how they should respond. Talk with them about the reasons they shouldn't do a behavior and engage them in talking about their feelings and the feelings of the other people involved.

The following are some strategies for families to prevent and change harmful behaviors:
- parents seek help for their own abuse and other issues
- parents set limits and children listen to the rules
- parents pay attention to the positive behaviors and interests of the child
- families talk about boundaries and sexual development
- children develop emotional attachments
- children are encouraged to talk about emotions and parents model this
- parents and children take responsibility for their actions

According to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson, author of the booklet "Helping Children with Sexual Behavior Problems" (2007), it's important to encourage healthy boundaries. This includes having rules about having private space in the home, private space around their bodies, private parts, and private discussions between parents. In addition, it's good to teach healthy touches such as handshakes, a hand on the shoulder, sitting next to someone as they read a book, walking hand to hand, and other touches that make both people comfortable and happy.

Rules for the home and classroom:
- When someone tells you to stop, stop.
- Talk to an adult if someone doesn't listen to you when you ask them to stop.
- Do not interrupt when someone else is talking.
- Ask for permission to use what belongs to someone else.

Praise children when they follow rules. Children need good ground rules and they need to know when they do a good job so that they can repeat it. Children also learn from observing, so make sure that you model the behaviors that you want and praise all children for good behaviors.

When children are doing behaviors that aren't appropriate or against the rules, ask them to stop the behavior. Remember to stay calm. Name or ask the feeling they may be experiencing. Remind children that it's okay to talk about feelings. Talk with the child about alternate behaviors. If a child has been hurt, comfort the child and talk about problem-solving.

With sexual behaviors, it is very important to stay calm and gently direct the child to stop the behavior. Do not respond by shaming and blaming them. Talk with them about appropriate sexual behaviors. Example: You can touch yourself in your bedroom in private but not in front of others. If a child does not respond to redirection or the behavior is harming someone, it's time to seek help from a professional.

When we guide children with problem-solving and following directions, they develop good "executive skills." Executive skills are judgment, planning, managing emotions, and managing the effects of trauma. When we guide children in talking about feelings and recognizing feelings, they develop good "emotional expressiveness." These two terms are talked about in other places in my blog and they are vital to preventing inappropriate and harmful sexual behaviors.

For more information, you can read the book that I used when I wrote this entry: Gilgun, Jane F. (2009). Shame, blame, and child sexual abuse. Morrisstown, NC: Lulu.