Boys and Sexual Behaviors

"If you are abused, do you become an abuser?"
"Are all boys abusers?"
"Is there any hope for someone who is abused?"
"Why do people hurt other people?"
"Can people change?"


These are all questions that I used to get when I did presentations on unhealthy dating relationships and sexual violence. I learned early on that I had to let middle school and high school students know right away that not all abusers are male and not all males are abusers. I also had to be able to share a message of hope and possibility of change. Even when I would share these messages throughout my presentation, some students would still ask about it afterwards because it is something that they have been taught or seen and need to be able to talk about it more. I want to address these questions here.

"If you are abused, do you become an abuser?"

No, most children who are abused do not later abuse others. People who are able to cope in positive ways with trauma and other stressful events are resilient. There are factors in their lives that help them to overcome what they have experienced. Two very important factors are being able to express feelings and not wanting to sexually abuse other people. If a person realizes that there are other ways to cope and self-soothe and they realize child sexual abuse is wrong, then they do not choose to sexually abuse children in order to feel pleasure and gratification.

On the other hand, a number of people who have been abused choose to hurt themselves to cope and self-soothe. This is a sign that they are struggling with their feelings and finding positive ways to cope with what they have been through. If you know someone who is cutting or self-injuring, check out my entry about protective factors and resilience, and get them connected to a professional.

"Are all boys abusers?"

No, most boys are not abusers. Although, about 90% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by males, there are many, many boys and men who never abuse anyone.

Society's rules about gender stereotypes put boys at risk. Boys are taught not to show their emotions. Many times, if they show fear, sadness or other feelings, they are viewed as weak by family members or by society and told to "be a man." They are taught to be aggressive and in control. This puts them at risk of having to find ways to hide their emotions and not be able to understand other people's emotions.

These things alone do not cause someone to abuse a child or other person. In addition, they need to think that it is okay for them to hurt someone and find some kind of gratification in abusing someone. They often talk themselves into believing that the children want the abuse. They do not understand, or do not want to understand, that children can never give informed consent to sexual contact. Children can only consent to brief sexual experimentations with other children their age.

"Is there any hope for someone who is abused?"

Yes, there is a lot of hope. I have known many people, both personally and professionally, who have been abused as children and have lived happy, wonderful lives as an adult. Coping skills and other protective factors play a huge part in children being resilient and overcoming what they have been through. It is important that they feel safe enough to talk to a parent or another supportive adult about what they have experienced so they can process the pain that they have been through. In addition, it's important that children who act out sexually have adults in their lives who respond in a caring and direct way and get them connected to professional resources.

"Why do people hurt other people?"

Some people use children to soothe their emotional pain and don't allow themselves to think about the effects on the child. Some people enjoy sexually abusing children and feel that they have the right to do it. Many people who abuse children are not "emotionally expressive" which means that they don't express their feelings, don't have emotional connections with people, and don't have empathy for the children they are hurting. In addition, they don't have good "executive function," which is related to the ability to have good judgment, problem-solving skills, anticipate consequences, and follow rules. It's difficult to know what causes this all to happen. It is clear that the behaviors of people who abuse are extremely selfish and self-serving.

"Can people change?"

Yes, but it is hard. It's hard for anyone to change. With people that have abused children, I have discussed some of the reasons that they do this, and you can tell there is a lot that would have to go into trying to change. Some people abuse children a few times and then stop because they feel ashamed. These are people who may be trying to work something out inside them and realize that abusing children doesn't help them. Adult abusers cannot stop without professional help, and sometimes it is a life-long process. They should consider themselves in recovery, just as members of Alcoholics Anonymous do, and they need to remember that they are always are rick to sexually abuse children again. If children are able to get professional help with their inappropriate and harmful sexual behaviors, there is a lot of hope that they won't abuse children as teenagers and adults. There are great therapists and treatment programs that work with children and their families to stop their problematic sexual behaviors. When families and children work together to make changes and engage in treatment, there is the most hope for change.

The above information came from my work experience and from Jane Gilgun's book "Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse." There is a link on the side of this page for you to check out her book for more information.

In addition to all this information, it's important to know some things about the links between children sexual behaviors and adults who sexually abuse. According to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson's booklet "Helping Children with Sexual Behavior Problems," most children who have inappropriate sexual behaviors and go through therapy or treatment will overcome their problems and not offend again. Also, children who have sexual behavior problems are acting out hurt or angry feelings through sexual behaviors. Most adult offenders are seeking power and control over their victims and that is not the case with many children. On the other hand many children who act out also enjoy the power and control because it satisfies them and makes them feel better.

It's essential for parents and other caring adults to remain nonjudgmental, seek help, and remember that the child's behavior is just one small part of them, but a part of them that they must change.