Coping Skills and Protective Factors

The following is summarized and adapted from research done by Jane Gilgun, a professor at the University of Minnesota.

Why do people respond to stressful and traumatic events in different ways? Everyone copes and adapts to life situations, but the ways they do it are different, depending on their support systems, resources, and previous experiences. Some people cope in positive ways, such as talking to someone, exercising, or doing something creative. Other people cope in ways that can hurt people, such as destroying property, bulling, stealing, or acting out sexually inappropriately. Other people cope in ways that hurt themselves, such as using drugs and alcohol, cutting, self-injuring, or trying to kill themselves.

It can be hard to see a connection between all of these activities because on the outside they appear very different, but on the inside they are serving the same purpose- to find relief and regain a sense of self. Many people try a combination of these activities as they try to find something that works for them. They also use strategies that they have seen other people use or that they have used and have provided them with a sense of relief. As parents, peers, or other people that care about someone who is engaging in harmful or inappropriate behaviors, it’s important to respond in a way that does not blame the person, but instead encourages them to get help and take care of themselves.

“Protective factors” are resources in our lives that protect us and guide us toward positive coping skills instead of harmful actions. As someone who cares about someone who has gone through a traumatic event, you may be one of the people they come to for support during times of stress and pain. It is important for them to be able to safely express all that they are feeling.

To help children use their protective factors to cope, adapt, or overcome the stressful events in their lives, you can encourage them to:
- Express their feelings through talking, writing, music, or art.
- Find something positive that they like to do and keep doing it. Examples are sports, reading, art, music, or acting.
- Do something that calms them and makes them feel good, like engage in positive self talk, exercise, listen to music, or take a long bath.
- Join a group or go to an event that is part of their gender, ethnic, or cultural identity.
- Explore hopes and dreams.
- See a therapist or join a support group.

If you care about someone who is engaging in inappropriate sexual behaviors or other harmful actions, the following are things for you to keep in mind:
- Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions
- Praise their talents and positive coping efforts
- Understand they may not want to tell you everything and that doesn’t have to do with you, but the need to have control over what they have experienced
- Don’t think in black and white, all or nothing. Remember that their behaviors do not define all of who they are but their behaviors are serious and need to stop immediately.
- Get help for your own issues to show that it is both important and possible to seek help and stop harmful behaviors
- Model talking about feelings
- Both boys and girls need to feel safe expressing positive and negative emotions.
- Remind them that the abuse or harm they have experienced is not their fault but they have to take responsibility for any behaviors that they engage in.
- Help them understand that they have a choice in whether to engage in harmful behavior or positive coping skills, and that it may take a lot of will and effort to stop being hurtful to others.

Children can recover from stress and trauma. Children can stop inappropriate sexual behaviors. They require parents and other adults who are caring, knowledgeable, supportive, and who praise appropriate behaviors and put restrictions on inappropriate or harmful behaviors. In both situations, it's important that they have parents and other caring adults to help them process past trauma and current situations. All children need structure, clear expectations, praise, recognition of good behaviors, and guidance for alternative behaviors.

When parents are trying to help their children, they need help and support too. Parents can get individual therapy, be a part of family therapy, and attend support groups. It's important for parents to use positive coping skills and seek help from loved ones and professionals in order to manage stress. When parents do this, they model this behavior for their children and are able to have the energy to respond to their children in the ways outlined above.

References:

Gilgun, Jane F. (2006). Children and adolescents with problematic sexual behaviors: Lessons from research on risk and resilience. In Robert Longo (Ed), Work with children and adolescents with sexual behavior issues (pp. 383-394). Holyoke, MA: Neari Press.

Gilgun, Jane F. (2009). Shame, blame, and child sexual abuse. Morrisstown, NC: Lulu.