This is hard for many people to understand and many parents and other adults have a lot of questions when a child displays sexual behaviors. As a sexual assault advocate, I received many calls from parents who wanted to know if what their child was doing was a sign of abuse, if it was normal for other kids their age, what to do if their child was acting out sexually or was touched by another child, and other concerns about child sexual behaviors. I want to use this blog as a tool to share information with parents, caregivers, and other concerned people in children’s lives about children’s sexual behaviors. This is not intended to teach you everything there is to know about the topic. I will give you some beginning information and then direct you to places for more information. This blog is aimed at concerns about sexual behaviors of young children who are before puberty or under 12.
If you don't know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate child sexual behaviors, you are not alone. If you don't know how to respond or what to say when you find out a child doing something sexual, you are not alone. If you feel uncomfortable when you think about children's sexuality, you are not alone. So, let's begin to talk about children's sexual development and sexual behaviors.
Sexual behaviors are found in all children. There was a study by William Friedrich and other professionals in 2001 comparing sexual behaviors in children who have been sexually abused, who haven't been sexually abused, and who are receiving psychiatric help for reasons other than sexual abuse. According to this study, inappropriate sexual behaviors are found in children who have been sexually abused, but they are also found in children who have not been sexually abused and that have experienced other types of a abuse, trauma, or stress. The authors concluded that children with no known abuse or trauma in their background frequently show inappropriate sexual behaviors. They simply don't know what is appropriate or not. Parents need and other adults need to teach them.
While children are developing sexually, they are learning behaviors from all that is happening around them. What a child knows about sex and sexual activities begins from very early ages. They can learn from experimenting with their own bodies and with other children. They also learn from movies and television, from accidentally seeing adult sexual activity, or from experiencing sexual abuse.
Children's sexual behaviors are on a continuum, they are not just good or bad, wrong or right. One way to look at it is when behaviors are healthy, when they are of concern, and when to seek professional help. Often when children are stressed, they may use sexual behaviors to self-soothe. Children are likely to repeat sexual behaviors because they are offer gratification and relief from stress. When behaviors are inappropriate, children need to be redirected. They need to be told that the behavior is not appropriate in that setting or all settings and be educated about what is appropriate and where it's appropriate. It is important to remain calm and gentle. An example would be a six year old girl touching her private parts in the living room. It's okay for her to touch herself but she should do it in a private room like her bedroom and not in a public space. When children don't respond to redirection or the behaviors are hurting someone, it's time to seek professional help.According to Jane Gilgun, the author of "Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse," if a child discloses sexual abuse or you have concerns, remember to stay calm and let the child do the talking. Try not to show a lot of emotion, like shock, disgust, or anger because children can interpret that these reactions are because of them and not because of the abuse. Be warm, accepting and caring. Many children want to protect their parents and may become silent if they think that this is hurting their parents. Try not to quiz them or lecture them. Make brief comments and ask simple questions if you want more information. Once you have heard their story and are sure that they are currently safe, find someone you trust and/or a professional to talk about the situation and figure out the next steps.
The following are children's sexual behaviors that are summarized from the Kempe Center's curriculum on preventing the development of abusive sexual behaviors:
Children can be expected to play doctor, repeat dirty jokes, show each other their body parts, and touch their own bodies. This is part of the sexual development of a child before they reach puberty. Behaviors that require adult response include preoccupation with sexual themes and masturbating, sexually explicit conversation or teasing of peers, attempts to expose others’ genitals, mutual masturbation, and simulation of foreplay with dolls or peers. Behaviors that require correction include touching others’ genitals without permission, sexually themed humiliation of self or others, verbal or written threats of force and sexual themes, and simulation of intercourse with dolls, peers, animals with clothing on. Behaviors that are problematic and always require intervention are oral, vaginal, and anal penetration of dolls, children, and animals, forced exposure of other’s genitals, and any genital injury or bleeding not explained by accidental cause.
Abusive behaviors are behaviors where there is a lack of consent (not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to freely choose, lack of knowledge of norms and consequences), the presence of coercion (manipulation, pressure, bribes, threats , intimidation, force, weapons) and the lack of equality in age, size, intellect, power, strength popularity, and roles. Any behaviors that cause distress, discomfort, or fear in at least one of the children involved requires intervention.
Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson provides additional information on this topic in her booklet "Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors: What's Natural and Healthy" (2007). In this booklet, she describes the sexual behavior of children on a continuum of behaviors that are to be expected because it's natural and healthy, behaviors that raise concern, and behaviors that require immediate consultation with a professional.
For example, with children between the ages of preschool and fourth grade, exploring differences between boys and girls, wanting to be nude, touching own private parts, touching the private parts of familiar adults and children, interest in having a baby, and wanting to look at people when they are nude are all behaviors to be expected. With this same age group, it is of concern if the child repeats actions constantly or after being told not to or asks questions after questions have been answered. You should seek professional help if a child from this age group hurts themselves or others when doing an behavior, appears afraid, or uses any type of force or demands. For more thorough information, follow the link on the side of this page to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson's book.
Remember: This is information to help us get started talking about children's sexual behaviors with knowledge and respect. If you know children who have inappropriate sexual behaviors, it is important to take them to see a professional so that they have a place to talk about and process their feelings and behaviors in order to stop the behaviors.
Resources:
Brilleslijper-Kater, Sonja N., William N. Friedrich, & David L. Corwin (2004). Sexual knowledge and emotional reaction as indicators of sexual abuse in young children: Theory and research challenges. Child Abuse & Neglect, 28, 1007-1017.
Friedrich, W. N., Fisher, J., Dittner, C., Acton, R., Berliner, L., Butler, J., Damon, L., Davies, W. H., Gray, A., & Wright, J. (2001). Child Sexual Behavior Inventory: Normative, psychiatric and sexual abuse comparisons. Child Maltreatment, 6, 37–49.
Johnson, Toni Cavanagh (2007). Understanding children’s sexual behaviors: What’s natural and healthy.
Ryan, Gail (2000). Childhood sexuality: A decade of study. Part I — Research and curriculum development. Child Abuse & Neglect, 24(1), 33-48.
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