Prevention

Let's talk about preventing sexually abusive behaviors.

Prevention of sexual abuse usually focuses on protecting people so they do not become victims of sexual abuse. I have spent many hours in schools, meetings, and support groups talking with people of all ages on how to protect themselves and what to do if something happens. This is a very important topic and there is a lot of information available, but it puts the responsibility on the victim. In order to stop abuse, we need to focus on where it starts- the development of sexually abusive behaviors.

Parents, professionals, and other concerned people can work towards prevention. It's going to take a lot of work but there are steps we can take.

One of the main protective factors that prevents people from being sexually abusive is emotional expressiveness. This is their ability to talk about and show their feelings and use coping skills when needed. This is also their ability to understand other people's feelings. In order to prevent sexually abusive behaviors, we need to encourage and help develop emotional expressiveness in children, especially boys. Boys are taught by society and the media to be strong and "manly" and not to cry or show emotion. Along with other things they are taught, this puts them at risk for developing sexually abusive behaviors.

Both at home and at school, adults need to help children learn and practice social skills so that they can control their actions, take responsibility for their actions, and express their feelings. Make sure that you recognize positive behavior that you want them to repeat. When children act in a way that is harmful or against the rules, remember to keep calm and have a balanced reaction. This models for them how they should respond. Talk with them about the reasons they shouldn't do a behavior and engage them in talking about their feelings and the feelings of the other people involved.

The following are some strategies for families to prevent and change harmful behaviors:
- parents seek help for their own abuse and other issues
- parents set limits and children listen to the rules
- parents pay attention to the positive behaviors and interests of the child
- families talk about boundaries and sexual development
- children develop emotional attachments
- children are encouraged to talk about emotions and parents model this
- parents and children take responsibility for their actions

According to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson, author of the booklet "Helping Children with Sexual Behavior Problems" (2007), it's important to encourage healthy boundaries. This includes having rules about having private space in the home, private space around their bodies, private parts, and private discussions between parents. In addition, it's good to teach healthy touches such as handshakes, a hand on the shoulder, sitting next to someone as they read a book, walking hand to hand, and other touches that make both people comfortable and happy.

Rules for the home and classroom:
- When someone tells you to stop, stop.
- Talk to an adult if someone doesn't listen to you when you ask them to stop.
- Do not interrupt when someone else is talking.
- Ask for permission to use what belongs to someone else.

Praise children when they follow rules. Children need good ground rules and they need to know when they do a good job so that they can repeat it. Children also learn from observing, so make sure that you model the behaviors that you want and praise all children for good behaviors.

When children are doing behaviors that aren't appropriate or against the rules, ask them to stop the behavior. Remember to stay calm. Name or ask the feeling they may be experiencing. Remind children that it's okay to talk about feelings. Talk with the child about alternate behaviors. If a child has been hurt, comfort the child and talk about problem-solving.

With sexual behaviors, it is very important to stay calm and gently direct the child to stop the behavior. Do not respond by shaming and blaming them. Talk with them about appropriate sexual behaviors. Example: You can touch yourself in your bedroom in private but not in front of others. If a child does not respond to redirection or the behavior is harming someone, it's time to seek help from a professional.

When we guide children with problem-solving and following directions, they develop good "executive skills." Executive skills are judgment, planning, managing emotions, and managing the effects of trauma. When we guide children in talking about feelings and recognizing feelings, they develop good "emotional expressiveness." These two terms are talked about in other places in my blog and they are vital to preventing inappropriate and harmful sexual behaviors.

For more information, you can read the book that I used when I wrote this entry: Gilgun, Jane F. (2009). Shame, blame, and child sexual abuse. Morrisstown, NC: Lulu.

Boys and Sexual Behaviors

"If you are abused, do you become an abuser?"
"Are all boys abusers?"
"Is there any hope for someone who is abused?"
"Why do people hurt other people?"
"Can people change?"


These are all questions that I used to get when I did presentations on unhealthy dating relationships and sexual violence. I learned early on that I had to let middle school and high school students know right away that not all abusers are male and not all males are abusers. I also had to be able to share a message of hope and possibility of change. Even when I would share these messages throughout my presentation, some students would still ask about it afterwards because it is something that they have been taught or seen and need to be able to talk about it more. I want to address these questions here.

"If you are abused, do you become an abuser?"

No, most children who are abused do not later abuse others. People who are able to cope in positive ways with trauma and other stressful events are resilient. There are factors in their lives that help them to overcome what they have experienced. Two very important factors are being able to express feelings and not wanting to sexually abuse other people. If a person realizes that there are other ways to cope and self-soothe and they realize child sexual abuse is wrong, then they do not choose to sexually abuse children in order to feel pleasure and gratification.

On the other hand, a number of people who have been abused choose to hurt themselves to cope and self-soothe. This is a sign that they are struggling with their feelings and finding positive ways to cope with what they have been through. If you know someone who is cutting or self-injuring, check out my entry about protective factors and resilience, and get them connected to a professional.

"Are all boys abusers?"

No, most boys are not abusers. Although, about 90% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by males, there are many, many boys and men who never abuse anyone.

Society's rules about gender stereotypes put boys at risk. Boys are taught not to show their emotions. Many times, if they show fear, sadness or other feelings, they are viewed as weak by family members or by society and told to "be a man." They are taught to be aggressive and in control. This puts them at risk of having to find ways to hide their emotions and not be able to understand other people's emotions.

These things alone do not cause someone to abuse a child or other person. In addition, they need to think that it is okay for them to hurt someone and find some kind of gratification in abusing someone. They often talk themselves into believing that the children want the abuse. They do not understand, or do not want to understand, that children can never give informed consent to sexual contact. Children can only consent to brief sexual experimentations with other children their age.

"Is there any hope for someone who is abused?"

Yes, there is a lot of hope. I have known many people, both personally and professionally, who have been abused as children and have lived happy, wonderful lives as an adult. Coping skills and other protective factors play a huge part in children being resilient and overcoming what they have been through. It is important that they feel safe enough to talk to a parent or another supportive adult about what they have experienced so they can process the pain that they have been through. In addition, it's important that children who act out sexually have adults in their lives who respond in a caring and direct way and get them connected to professional resources.

"Why do people hurt other people?"

Some people use children to soothe their emotional pain and don't allow themselves to think about the effects on the child. Some people enjoy sexually abusing children and feel that they have the right to do it. Many people who abuse children are not "emotionally expressive" which means that they don't express their feelings, don't have emotional connections with people, and don't have empathy for the children they are hurting. In addition, they don't have good "executive function," which is related to the ability to have good judgment, problem-solving skills, anticipate consequences, and follow rules. It's difficult to know what causes this all to happen. It is clear that the behaviors of people who abuse are extremely selfish and self-serving.

"Can people change?"

Yes, but it is hard. It's hard for anyone to change. With people that have abused children, I have discussed some of the reasons that they do this, and you can tell there is a lot that would have to go into trying to change. Some people abuse children a few times and then stop because they feel ashamed. These are people who may be trying to work something out inside them and realize that abusing children doesn't help them. Adult abusers cannot stop without professional help, and sometimes it is a life-long process. They should consider themselves in recovery, just as members of Alcoholics Anonymous do, and they need to remember that they are always are rick to sexually abuse children again. If children are able to get professional help with their inappropriate and harmful sexual behaviors, there is a lot of hope that they won't abuse children as teenagers and adults. There are great therapists and treatment programs that work with children and their families to stop their problematic sexual behaviors. When families and children work together to make changes and engage in treatment, there is the most hope for change.

The above information came from my work experience and from Jane Gilgun's book "Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse." There is a link on the side of this page for you to check out her book for more information.

In addition to all this information, it's important to know some things about the links between children sexual behaviors and adults who sexually abuse. According to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson's booklet "Helping Children with Sexual Behavior Problems," most children who have inappropriate sexual behaviors and go through therapy or treatment will overcome their problems and not offend again. Also, children who have sexual behavior problems are acting out hurt or angry feelings through sexual behaviors. Most adult offenders are seeking power and control over their victims and that is not the case with many children. On the other hand many children who act out also enjoy the power and control because it satisfies them and makes them feel better.

It's essential for parents and other caring adults to remain nonjudgmental, seek help, and remember that the child's behavior is just one small part of them, but a part of them that they must change.

Coping Skills and Protective Factors

The following is summarized and adapted from research done by Jane Gilgun, a professor at the University of Minnesota.

Why do people respond to stressful and traumatic events in different ways? Everyone copes and adapts to life situations, but the ways they do it are different, depending on their support systems, resources, and previous experiences. Some people cope in positive ways, such as talking to someone, exercising, or doing something creative. Other people cope in ways that can hurt people, such as destroying property, bulling, stealing, or acting out sexually inappropriately. Other people cope in ways that hurt themselves, such as using drugs and alcohol, cutting, self-injuring, or trying to kill themselves.

It can be hard to see a connection between all of these activities because on the outside they appear very different, but on the inside they are serving the same purpose- to find relief and regain a sense of self. Many people try a combination of these activities as they try to find something that works for them. They also use strategies that they have seen other people use or that they have used and have provided them with a sense of relief. As parents, peers, or other people that care about someone who is engaging in harmful or inappropriate behaviors, it’s important to respond in a way that does not blame the person, but instead encourages them to get help and take care of themselves.

“Protective factors” are resources in our lives that protect us and guide us toward positive coping skills instead of harmful actions. As someone who cares about someone who has gone through a traumatic event, you may be one of the people they come to for support during times of stress and pain. It is important for them to be able to safely express all that they are feeling.

To help children use their protective factors to cope, adapt, or overcome the stressful events in their lives, you can encourage them to:
- Express their feelings through talking, writing, music, or art.
- Find something positive that they like to do and keep doing it. Examples are sports, reading, art, music, or acting.
- Do something that calms them and makes them feel good, like engage in positive self talk, exercise, listen to music, or take a long bath.
- Join a group or go to an event that is part of their gender, ethnic, or cultural identity.
- Explore hopes and dreams.
- See a therapist or join a support group.

If you care about someone who is engaging in inappropriate sexual behaviors or other harmful actions, the following are things for you to keep in mind:
- Encourage them to take responsibility for their actions
- Praise their talents and positive coping efforts
- Understand they may not want to tell you everything and that doesn’t have to do with you, but the need to have control over what they have experienced
- Don’t think in black and white, all or nothing. Remember that their behaviors do not define all of who they are but their behaviors are serious and need to stop immediately.
- Get help for your own issues to show that it is both important and possible to seek help and stop harmful behaviors
- Model talking about feelings
- Both boys and girls need to feel safe expressing positive and negative emotions.
- Remind them that the abuse or harm they have experienced is not their fault but they have to take responsibility for any behaviors that they engage in.
- Help them understand that they have a choice in whether to engage in harmful behavior or positive coping skills, and that it may take a lot of will and effort to stop being hurtful to others.

Children can recover from stress and trauma. Children can stop inappropriate sexual behaviors. They require parents and other adults who are caring, knowledgeable, supportive, and who praise appropriate behaviors and put restrictions on inappropriate or harmful behaviors. In both situations, it's important that they have parents and other caring adults to help them process past trauma and current situations. All children need structure, clear expectations, praise, recognition of good behaviors, and guidance for alternative behaviors.

When parents are trying to help their children, they need help and support too. Parents can get individual therapy, be a part of family therapy, and attend support groups. It's important for parents to use positive coping skills and seek help from loved ones and professionals in order to manage stress. When parents do this, they model this behavior for their children and are able to have the energy to respond to their children in the ways outlined above.

References:

Gilgun, Jane F. (2006). Children and adolescents with problematic sexual behaviors: Lessons from research on risk and resilience. In Robert Longo (Ed), Work with children and adolescents with sexual behavior issues (pp. 383-394). Holyoke, MA: Neari Press.

Gilgun, Jane F. (2009). Shame, blame, and child sexual abuse. Morrisstown, NC: Lulu.

Introduction: Children's Sexual Behaviors

Humans are naturally sexual beings and children are not an exception.

This is hard for many people to understand and many parents and other adults have a lot of questions when a child displays sexual behaviors. As a sexual assault advocate, I received many calls from parents who wanted to know if what their child was doing was a sign of abuse, if it was normal for other kids their age, what to do if their child was acting out sexually or was touched by another child, and other concerns about child sexual behaviors. I want to use this blog as a tool to share information with parents, caregivers, and other concerned people in children’s lives about children’s sexual behaviors. This is not intended to teach you everything there is to know about the topic. I will give you some beginning information and then direct you to places for more information. This blog is aimed at concerns about sexual behaviors of young children who are before puberty or under 12.

If you don't know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate child sexual behaviors, you are not alone. If you don't know how to respond or what to say when you find out a child doing something sexual, you are not alone. If you feel uncomfortable when you think about children's sexuality, you are not alone. So, let's begin to talk about children's sexual development and sexual behaviors.

Sexual behaviors are found in all children. There was a study by William Friedrich and other professionals in 2001 comparing sexual behaviors in children who have been sexually abused, who haven't been sexually abused, and who are receiving psychiatric help for reasons other than sexual abuse. According to this study, inappropriate sexual behaviors are found in children who have been sexually abused, but they are also found in children who have not been sexually abused and that have experienced other types of a abuse, trauma, or stress. The authors concluded that children with no known abuse or trauma in their background frequently show inappropriate sexual behaviors. They simply don't know what is appropriate or not. Parents need and other adults need to teach them.

While children are developing sexually, they are learning behaviors from all that is happening around them. What a child knows about sex and sexual activities begins from very early ages. They can learn from experimenting with their own bodies and with other children. They also learn from movies and television, from accidentally seeing adult sexual activity, or from experiencing sexual abuse.

Children's sexual behaviors are on a continuum, they are not just good or bad, wrong or right. One way to look at it is when behaviors are healthy, when they are of concern, and when to seek professional help. Often when children are stressed, they may use sexual behaviors to self-soothe. Children are likely to repeat sexual behaviors because they are offer gratification and relief from stress. When behaviors are inappropriate, children need to be redirected. They need to be told that the behavior is not appropriate in that setting or all settings and be educated about what is appropriate and where it's appropriate. It is important to remain calm and gentle. An example would be a six year old girl touching her private parts in the living room. It's okay for her to touch herself but she should do it in a private room like her bedroom and not in a public space. When children don't respond to redirection or the behaviors are hurting someone, it's time to seek professional help.

According to Jane Gilgun, the author of "Shame, Blame, and Child Sexual Abuse," if a child discloses sexual abuse or you have concerns, remember to stay calm and let the child do the talking. Try not to show a lot of emotion, like shock, disgust, or anger because children can interpret that these reactions are because of them and not because of the abuse. Be warm, accepting and caring. Many children want to protect their parents and may become silent if they think that this is hurting their parents. Try not to quiz them or lecture them. Make brief comments and ask simple questions if you want more information. Once you have heard their story and are sure that they are currently safe, find someone you trust and/or a professional to talk about the situation and figure out the next steps.

The following are children's sexual behaviors that are summarized from the Kempe Center's curriculum on preventing the development of abusive sexual behaviors:

Children can be expected to play doctor, repeat dirty jokes, show each other their body parts, and touch their own bodies. This is part of the sexual development of a child before they reach puberty. Behaviors that require adult response include preoccupation with sexual themes and masturbating, sexually explicit conversation or teasing of peers, attempts to expose others’ genitals, mutual masturbation, and simulation of foreplay with dolls or peers. Behaviors that require correction include touching others’ genitals without permission, sexually themed humiliation of self or others, verbal or written threats of force and sexual themes, and simulation of intercourse with dolls, peers, animals with clothing on. Behaviors that are problematic and always require intervention are oral, vaginal, and anal penetration of dolls, children, and animals, forced exposure of other’s genitals, and any genital injury or bleeding not explained by accidental cause.

Abusive behaviors are behaviors where there is a lack of consent (not knowing what is going to happen, not being able to freely choose, lack of knowledge of norms and consequences), the presence of coercion (manipulation, pressure, bribes, threats , intimidation, force, weapons) and the lack of equality in age, size, intellect, power, strength popularity, and roles. Any behaviors that cause distress, discomfort, or fear in at least one of the children involved requires intervention.

Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson provides additional information on this topic in her booklet "Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors: What's Natural and Healthy" (2007). In this booklet, she describes the sexual behavior of children on a continuum of behaviors that are to be expected because it's natural and healthy, behaviors that raise concern, and behaviors that require immediate consultation with a professional.

For example, with children between the ages of preschool and fourth grade, exploring differences between boys and girls, wanting to be nude, touching own private parts, touching the private parts of familiar adults and children, interest in having a baby, and wanting to look at people when they are nude are all behaviors to be expected. With this same age group, it is of concern if the child repeats actions constantly or after being told not to or asks questions after questions have been answered. You should seek professional help if a child from this age group hurts themselves or others when doing an behavior, appears afraid, or uses any type of force or demands. For more thorough information, follow the link on the side of this page to Dr. Toni Cavanagh Johnson's book.

Remember: This is information to help us get started talking about children's sexual behaviors with knowledge and respect. If you know children who have inappropriate sexual behaviors, it is important to take them to see a professional so that they have a place to talk about and process their feelings and behaviors in order to stop the behaviors.

Resources:

Brilleslijper-Kater, Sonja N., William N. Friedrich, & David L. Corwin (2004). Sexual knowledge and emotional reaction as indicators of sexual abuse in young children: Theory and research challenges. Child Abuse & Neglect, 28, 1007-1017.

Gilgun, Jane F. (2009). Shame, blame, and child sexual abuse (pp. 11-119). Morrisstown, NC: Lulu.

Friedrich, W. N., Fisher, J., Dittner, C., Acton, R., Berliner, L., Butler, J., Damon, L., Davies, W. H., Gray, A., & Wright, J. (2001). Child Sexual Behavior Inventory: Normative, psychiatric and sexual abuse comparisons. Child Maltreatment, 6, 37–49.

Johnson, Toni Cavanagh (2007). Understanding children’s sexual behaviors: What’s natural and healthy.

Ryan, Gail (2000). Childhood sexuality: A decade of study. Part I — Research and curriculum development. Child Abuse & Neglect, 24(1), 33-48.